My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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