Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
