I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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