Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
