fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
