My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
