You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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