They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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