That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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