I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
