your parents love me but you hate me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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