I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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