Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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