I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
