i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
