you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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