The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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