I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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