i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
