Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
