He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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