I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
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did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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