I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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