And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
