It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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