So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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