He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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