just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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