I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
