i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
