she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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