I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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