I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
