i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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