My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.