Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I still have a little drunk in my system