please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.