dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
