If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
