Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
