My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
