Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
