i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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