we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
