i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
