Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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