you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
