Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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