Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
