the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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