I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
