Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The air taste purple.
Randomize
