Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
