as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
