She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
